Clint’s evasion tactics occasionally leave something to be desired. Tony despairs of his sense of self-preservation.
(I apologize again that there’s a new chapter before an update is posted, but while rereading this tonight I realized it’s the first story where Clint calls Tony ‘darlin’ and I kind of melted and decided it had to be uploaded. So enjoy.^^)
Hawkeye58: Tony. I learned a valuable lesson today.
Stark1: Oh dear. What was that?
Hawkeye58: That no matter how much I think slipping into a riot to cover my escape is a good idea, it’s not. Also. High powered water hurts. Huh. Two valuable lessons.
Stark1: Wait, what? What kind of high powered water? What did you do?
Hawkeye58: Hey. I didn’t do anything. I just got caught in the crossfire. Fire hose, I think. Still trying to decide if it was better or worse than rubber bullets.
Stark1: What the fuck Clint. For such a smart guy, you can be obscenely stupid sometimes.
Hawkeye58: Hey! It seemed like a good idea. I was just gonna use the confusion to get away from where I was without being seen. It was totally a good plan. I just have terrible luck.
Stark1: Okay. Maybe next time you’ll get the rubber bullets too.
Hawkeye58: Well those things suck, but the water just knocks you right over.
Stark1: You okay?
Hawkeye58: Think so. Sore. Wet. But I’ll live.
Stark1: Well, I’d HOPE so. So where you at?
Hawkeye58: Moscow. Kinda cold.
Stark1: Fuck. Dry off!
Hawkeye58: Trying. Kinda have to get further away first. And find someplace that has towels or something.
Stark1: Fuck. Is anyone nearby who can help?
Hawkeye58: Hey. It’s fine. I’m fine, really. I’ll get somewhere soon.
Stark1: Yea? How soon
Hawkeye58: Um. I don’t know. Soon.
Stark1: Not good enough babe.
Hawkeye58: Tony. I know. But I’m doing the best I can.
Stark1: Please don’t get upset with me. I’m just worried.
Hawkeye58: No. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just lashing out. I know you are.
Stark1: I’m sorry.
Hawkeye58: Hey. No. No don’t be. I am. Really. Didn’t mean to worry you.
Stark1: You always worry me. Just. Hurry? As much as you can. Don’t want you getting sick, or any more hurt.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Hey. Said I wasn’t hurt.
Stark1: Said you’re sore. Sore is hurt.
Hawkeye58: I love you. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
Stark1: How long are you out there?
Hawkeye58: Should be headed home once I can get back to the others.
Stark1: Oh good. Okay.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. I’ll be home soon and you can check me over yourself.
Stark1: Heh. Yea.
How you getting home?
Hawkeye58: Um. Plane, probably. Might have to get a different transport outta here first.
Stark1: You want a ride?
Hawkeye58: Yeah? Really?
Stark1: Of course really.
Hawkeye58: Oh man. That would be fantastic.
Stark1: Then I’m on my way.
Hawkeye58: I love you. So much.
Stark1: I love you too.
Hawkeye58: And. I mean, you weren’t busy?
Stark1: Nothing I can’t do later.
Hawkeye58: Okay. You sure? Course you’re sure. Heh. Sorry.
Stark1: Haha wow. You barely put up a fight that time. I’m impressed.
Hawkeye58: Well. I already know your answer.
Stark1: Heh. Yup. None of my work is ever as important as you.
Hawkeye58: Because you’re awesome.
Stark1: You bet.
Hawkeye58: Heh. I like when you pick me up.
Stark1: Haha yea?
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Cuz you’re there. And it’s more comfortable.
Stark1: Well I’m coming to you in my suit and having the plane meet us. I’ll reach you faster that way, but be able to fly you home comfortably.
Hawkeye58: Oh. So I can see you even longer? Heh. Awesome.
Stark1: Haha yea. I’ll take care of you there, then take you home. Wrap you up in bed, nice and warm.
Hawkeye58: You’re the best. Cuz yeah. Russia is damn cold. Not as bad as Greenland. Or the freaking Arctic.
Stark1: Heh. Well, I rescued you in Greenland. Kinda put you in the Arctic. But I can rescue you from Russia, too.
Hawkeye58: My knight in awesome flashy armor.
Stark1: HAHA oh my God I love you.
Hawkeye58: You better.
Stark1: I do. So much.
Hawkeye58: Good. I miss you.
Stark1: Miss you too. So much.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Heh. Thought of you when I got hit by that water.
Stark1: …..um………okay? Why’s that, exactly?
Hawkeye58: Well. I thought. Damn. If Tony were here, he’d probably be laughing his ass off. Then I missed you more.
Stark1: Hahaha don’t know about THAT. Seeing you fall down in the middle of all those people would worry me. Otherwise, yea. I’d probably be laughing my ass off.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Well. It kicked me back pretty far first. 😛
Stark1: So you weren’t near anyone when you fell?
Hawkeye58: ……well yeah, but I mean, they went down too.
Stark1: Yea. See, I woulda been worried bout you being on the ground with other people near you. Especially when they’re rioting. Wouldn’t want you getting trampled.
Hawkeye58: Yeah that sucks. Had that happen before.
Stark1: Who? I’ll kill them.
Hawkeye58: Well, it wasn’t like they meant to. I don’t think.
Stark1: They still shouldn’t be trampling you.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. I agree. Rude bastards.
Stark1: Hahaha ass. I love you.
When did this happen?
Hawkeye58: Um. Bout two years after I joined? Give or take.
Stark1: Where? What happened?
Hawkeye58: I was in Germany. Some group was gathered spouting crap about bringing back Hydra. Shit got outta control and riot broke out before the guy I was there for even showed. I became acquainted with lots of feet, rubber bullets, and almost a cell. Good times.
Stark1: I seriously hate your job sometimes.
Hawkeye58: Heh. It was kinda funny when I slipped the cuffs. Watching them run around trying to figure out where I went. That was years ago, though.
Stark1: Yea. Cuz otherwise they’d be having trouble with me.
Hawkeye58: Heh yeah. And I’ve gotten a little better. I just missed when they brought out the water cannons.
Stark1: Oh my God. You’re SUCH a pain, you know that?
Hawkeye58: Haha sorry. I’m gonna be fine though. Really.
Stark1: Yea. And I’m gonna take care of you.
Hawkeye58: Because you’re the best.
Stark1: Got that right.
Hawkeye58: Course I do. Cuz I’m a secret genius, too.
Stark1: Hahahaha oh are you?
Hawkeye58: Yup. Total genius.
Stark1: Haha you’ll have to show me.
Hawkeye58: That I’m a genius? Not quite sure how to do that.
Stark1: Mm. Think on it.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Already testing me? 😉
Stark1: Whenever I can. 😉
Hawkeye58: Ha. Well you know I’m always ready for a challenge.
Stark1: Good. Cuz I wanna see you be all genius-y now.
Hawkeye58: Haha it’ll be amazing. You’ll be re-smitten.
Stark1: Hahaha “re-smitten”?
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Well. More smitten.
Stark1: Haha I like “re-smitten” better.
Hawkeye58: Heh yeah? Good. Then you’ll be that. You won’t even know how to handle it. I’ll be…..shit.
Stark1: What? What’s “shit”? What’s wrong?
Hawkeye58: probably nothing. Got spotted by the police.
Should I pretend I don’t understand them? Maybe that I understand them a little.
Stark1: I don’t know. Fuck Clint this isn’t my area of expertise. Fuck.
Hawkeye58: Okay. It’s fine. I’m a charming bastard, right? Sure I can not get myself arrested. And if I do, you can just bail me out.
Stark1: Yea. I can do that. Just. Don’t get hurt.
Hawkeye58: I won’t. I’ll behave. Be the good tourist who’s lost and confused. I’m good at that one.
Stark1: Hahaha okay good.
Hawkeye58: *several minutes later* Heh. Hey Tony. Guess what?
Stark1: What? You’re okay, right?
Hawkeye58: I’m fine. They even got me a blanket. They didn’t give me that much trouble. Know why?
Hawkeye58: Heh. One of ‘em recognized me. As Iron Man’s boyfriend. Shoulda seen him when I told him you were coming to pick me up. It was kinda cute, actually. Never thought I’d see a Russian look so happy with something I said. 😛
Stark1: ……you’re kidding me. You have to be kidding me.
Hawkeye58: Haha nope. Good thing too, cuz his partner looked like he’d rather shove me in a snow bank than deal with me.
Stark1: If he did, I’d have kicked his ass.
Hawkeye58: Well, I wouldn’t’ve let him. Well. Woulda tried.
Stark1: So, what…..I’ve got a fan?
Hawkeye58: Haha apparently. Be nice to him when you get here. He’s practically building my story for me.
Stark1: ….building your story?
Hawkeye58: Oh yeah. Every time his partner tries to interrogate, this guy gives an excuse. “Why are you here?” This kid: “are you on vacation?” Why yes. Vacation. That’s it?
Stark1: Hahaha nice.
Why would you think you have to tell me to be nice?
Hawkeye58: I know how you get sometimes when people invade a little too much of your personal space. I don’t think this guy will, though.
Stark1: Hey. I am VERY good with fans. I LOVE fans. And even if he wasn’t one, he’s helping you. And I love you. More than anything.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Think when he meets you he’ll be half as awkward as I’m guessing Coulson was with Steve? Cuz I’m still sad I missed that, so I was a comparison. 😛
Stark1: Hahaha yea I wish I was there too. When they first met, I mean.
Hawkeye58: Priceless. And we missed it.
Stark1: Haha I know. But we still see him now.
Hawkeye58: Heh yup. Still weird. This’ll be better. Seriously. Damn, this blanket is cozier than I expected a police blanket to be.
Stark1: Heh that’s good. What’ll be better?
Stark1: Well of course I’m better than Coulson. 😛
Hawkeye58: Well. You know what I mean. Shut up.
Hey Tony, will the plane have dry clothes?
Stark1: Yea baby. Something warm to drink, too.
Hawkeye58: Oh good. Cuz honestly. Didn’t actually realize I was this cold till I started warming up. What’s with that, anyway? Damn sneaky.
Stark1: Haha no idea. But we’ll get you cleaned up and changed into some warm clothes. Get you some coffee. Maybe put a little something extra in it, yea?
Hawkeye58: Oh man. That sounds amazing. Let’s definitely do that.
Stark1: Haha okay. That’s the plan, then.
Hawkeye58: Awesome. Can’t wait.
Stark1: Yea. Gotta get you all fixed up.
Hawkeye58: Haha not much to fix. More of a dried-off. I mean, I’ll probably have some fun bruising. But that’s about it.
Stark1: I’ll kiss it better. Every single bruise.
Hawkeye58: Well, I definitely won’t complain about that.
What if it’s just one big one? Do I get lotsa kisses?
Stark1: Haha sure. Lotsa kisses.
Hawkeye58: Awesome. I love you. Seriously. Who knew the kiss and make it better approach totally works?
Stark1: Haha yea? Makes it all better? Fixes everything right up?
Hawkeye58: Damn right. You and medical rarely agree, but I swear it’s true.
Stark1: Hahaha I love you.
Hawkeye58: Damn right you do. I’m keeping my monopoly of all the Tony Stark kisses.
Stark1: Haha damn straight. They’re all yours now.
Hawkeye58: Better be. All mine are yours.
Stark1: Damn straight.
……even when you’re undercover, right?
Hawkeye58: I rarely kissed anyone undercover before you. Definitely not now. And if it were ever something to come up, you would know about it.
Unless European greetings count? Cuz I’ve had to do the cheek-kissing thing. That is still a weird way to say hello in my opinion.
Stark1: Haha nah. That’s okay.
You think it’s gonna come up?
Hawkeye58: Don’t know. It’s not usually something required in my ops. I doubt it would be except as a last resort.
Stark1: No kissing. Behave yourself, mister.
Hawkeye58: Aww. But behaving is so boring.
Stark1: You’re such a brat.
Hawkeye58: You love me.
Stark1: Still a brat.
Hawkeye58: Yup. And you still love me. So it can’t be that bad.
Stark1: Well, I’m a pretty big asshole too, so I wouldn’t let it go to your head.
Hawkeye58: Hahaha. That so?
Hawkeye58: Ha. I love you. Ass.
Stark1: Love you too. So much.
Hawkeye58: I know. Crazy-lots. No sane person would come all the way out here to pick up my sorry ass. 😛
Stark1: Lucky for you, I’m not sane.
Hawkeye58: Damn lucky for me.
Stark1: Heh. Love you, jerkface.
Hawkeye58: Aww. Love you too, darlin’ 😛
Stark1: Oh my God. That is fucking ADORABLE
Hawkeye58: …….it was?
Stark1: Oh yea. Very country.
Hawkeye58: Haha yeah.
Stark1: …..say it to me when I get there?
Hawkeye58: Darlin’? Heh. Course.
Stark1: Oh my God that is so adorable. I’m gonna die.
Hawkeye58: Haha well don’t die. I need you.
Stark1: But it’s so fuckin’ cute!
Hawkeye58: Oh my God it’s not. It’s……..
Okay maybe it is. Shut up.
Stark1: Hahaha you just admitted you’re cute!
Hawkeye58: No. No, I didn’t mean me, like ME.
Stark1: Oh? What’d you mean, then?
I mean, I guess the word could be considered…..you know. Cute.
Stark1: Not as much as when said by you in your country voice. Love it when that slips.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Cuz it’s super dorky?
Stark1: No. Adorable and sexy.
Hawkeye58: Ooh. I get to be both.
Stark1: Haha yea. You are.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Awesome.
Stark1: Heh. Almost there, babe.
Hawkeye58: Good. I miss you and I’m cold, but not cold enough to strip at a Moscow police station, thank you.
Stark1: Hey no. No stripping. Why would you strip?
Hawkeye58: Well. My clothes are still pretty wet. They’re worried about it, I guess. But that would mean sitting here in a blanket and little else.
Stark1: But…..no. But I don’t want you to get sick.
Hawkeye58: But. You’re almost here. I’m fine.
Stark1: ……please don’t get sick. Do you feel like you’re gonna get sick?
Hawkeye58: I don’t know? I don’t usually feel much different until it sets in. I mean. I feel okay.
Stark1: ……get out of those clothes.
Hawkeye58: What? But Tony…..I’m fine.
Stark1: I don’t want you getting sick.
Hawkeye58: But. You’re almost here, aren’t you?
Hawkeye58: So I’ll change when we get to the plane.
Wait, how far behind IS the plane?
Stark1: I don’t know. Probably a while. I’ll check when I get there. Also when I get there, I’m going to find a new blanket, strip you down, and wrap you in it.
Hawkeye58: So you don’t want me stripping now?
Stark1: Well, you weren’t exactly listening to my order to do so now.
Hawkeye58: That was an order?
Huh. Guess it was.
Stark1: Yea. You’re just not good at listening.
Hawkeye58: Hey. I can be VERY good at listening.
Stark1: Oh? S’that right?
Hawkeye58: Yeah. I just didn’t know if you were serious.
Stark1: Mm. Still haven’t noticed this listening thing happen that often. 😛
Hawkeye58: Hey. I listen to you more than anyone else.
Stark1: Yes, you’re a very well behaved little boy.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. So there.
Stark1: HAHA oh my God I love you.
Hawkeye58: I love you too.
You really want me to strip?
I’d really prefer it if you changed now.
Hawkeye58: Tony. Baby. I love you, darlin’. I love you but you’re just being dumb. I’m cold an’ wet an’ I miss you an’ I don’t WANT to change. An’ I’m not gonna cuz I’m cold and lazy and I need you to come take care of my soggy ass cuz I don’t feel like doing it.
….are very adorable and very sexy.
Hawkeye58: Hahaha yeah? So that mean I get my way and can wait?
Stark1: Yea. You get your way.
Hawkeye58: Awesome. You’re awesome.
Stark1: Don’t you forget it.
Hawkeye58: Haha never could. You’d also never let me.
Hawkeye58: Heh good. I love you. So much.
Stark1: I love you too.
Hawkeye58: Better. Cuz I’m awesome. We complement each other’s awesomeness.
Stark1: Haha oh yea.
Hey. Can this fan and this other guy not be there?
Hawkeye58: Be where? At the station? Pretty sure they work here. They’ve been leaving me alone, though.
Stark1: But I want you alone. Wanna get you outta those wet things and crawl into your lap to dry you off while you call me darlin’ and speak country to me.
Hawkeye58: Well. Kinda rather do that not at the police station, anyway. Someplace private. And nice.
Stark1: ….but I want you.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. An’ I want you.
Stark1: Gonna get you stripped and dried off when I get there, either way. And I’ll try an’ behave, but I don’t know if I can help myself.
Hawkeye58: Well. Either way, I won’t complain.
Stark1: Heh. Just said you didn’t wanna do it there. Indecisive. 😛
Hawkeye58: No. I just know that once you’re in the room and touching me, I won’t care WHAT you do, so long as you keep touching me.
Stark1: Fuck. You’re not making me want this any less, country boy.
Hawkeye58: Haha no? Well. Can’t say as I mind too much.
Stark1: Well, I told Terry to floor it with the plane, so hopefully we’ll be on it real damn quick. Cuz yea. Damn.
Hawkeye58: Heh good. Want you.
Stark1: Fuck. Stop it.
Hawkeye58: Sorry. Kinda.
Stark1: You are so totally not.
Hawkeye58: Kinda am. Little bit. Teeny tiny.
Stark1: Nope. Not at all.
Hawkeye58: Haha shut up. You don’t know that.
Stark1: I know YOU.
Hawkeye58: Mnn. Touche.
Stark1: Haha yup.
So. This guy knows we’re dating. So it’s really not a problem if I’m touching you in horribly inappropriate ways.
Hawkeye58: Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise, no.
Stark1: Mm. Good.
Just need to check the cameras, then. Last thing we need is for pictures of what looks like us in flagrante turning up on the news or some gossip site.
Hawkeye58: Ha. Good point.
Flagrante is bad, right?
Stark1: Haha yea. The actual Latin translation is a legal term for being caught in the act, but it’s used a lot to refer specifically to being caught during sex.
Hawkeye58: Haha oh. Yeah. Let’s not start that storm of papers. 😛
Stark1: Heh. Yea. So far we’ve done a damn good job keeping out of the papers, off TV….everything. More than I thought was ever possible.
Hawkeye58: I know. Damn impressive of you. 😛
Stark1: Haha why thank you, good sir.
Hawkeye58: Not at all, old chum.
The fuck do people call people ‘chum’ for? Isn’t that shark bait?
Stark1: Oh my God I love you so much.
Hawkeye58: Well, I’d hope so.
Stark1: You are ridiculous and I love you.
Hawkeye58: Haha yeah? Usually my ridiculous earns me the “why do I put up with you” question. See. You’re totally perfect.
Stark1: Haha well, duh. 😛
But no. I love it. You. Your ridiculousness.
…..you gonna get back to your roots and talk country to me when I get there? 😉
Hawkeye58: Heh. Sure. Once I warm up a bit. But I’m sure that won’t take long.
Stark1: “Warm up”? Warm up?? What does THAT entail?
Hawkeye58: Uh. I was thinking a new blanket. And you close.
Stark1: Hahaha ohhhh! The way you phrased that, it sounded like….warm up. Like, as in warm up for the country. Eaaase into the accent. 😛
Hawkeye58: Hahaha well. It actually comes pretty natural.
Stark1: ….how come you don’t do it more often, then?
Hawkeye58: Well. The non-country one comes natural now, too. Guess more naturally. I slip into the old one on accident a lot, though. Sometimes when I’m really happy. When I get really mad.
Stark1: HAHA guess I haven’t ever gotten you mad enough. That’s good. Though I’d love to see you ranting in that voice.
Hawkeye58: Oh my God it’s awful. No one takes me seriously.
Stark1: Haha oh man.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Shut up.
Stark1: No. It’s amazing. I wanna hear it.
Hawkeye58: Me mad and going off like that?
Well, if it ever happens, I’ll make sure you get a recording.
Stark1: Oh my God please do.
Hawkeye58: Haha okay. Deal.
Hawkeye58: Ha. Ass. Where are you?
Stark1: Bout five minutes.
Stark1: Yea? Miss me.
Hawkeye58: Yes. Fucking tons.
Stark1: Heh. Well, I can see the town. Think I can see the police station.
Hawkeye58: Good. Want you to take care of me. Hold me a bit.
You’re warm. For someone who catches colds so easy, you’re always so damn warm.
Stark1: Haha yea? No clue why. I just defy logic. 😉
Hawkeye58: You do. And it’s awesome. I like you warm.
Stark1: Heh. Good. Cuz it’s all for you.
Hawkeye58: Good. I’m not sharing. That’s my heat.
You know, you always say you’re no good with words, but it’s SO not true.
Hawkeye58: Haha I am not. You’re just biased.
Stark1: You are too. It’s more than just your sexy appearance that drives me crazy, you know. It’s the shit you say, too.
Hawkeye58: Flattery will get you damn far. 😛
You really like what I say? Cuz half the time I’m afraid nothing I say makes sense once it hits my tongue.
Stark1: Haha well, sometimes. But yea. I really do. Drives me out of my mind. You make me feel amazing.
Hawkeye58: Well. You do that right back.
Stark1: Good. That’s all I want.
Hey. I’m nearing the police station. Can you warn them that I’m coming in?
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Can do that. Hurry. I need you.
Stark1: Haha okay, okay. Just make sure they know it’s me and they don’t spazz out.
Hawkeye58: Pretty sure everyone here knows who you are. If they didn’t, this kid’s let ‘em all know.
Stark1: Haha kid? He’s a kid?
Hawkeye58: Well. Younger than me, anyways.
Stark1: Haha. That’s awesome.
Okay baby. Here I come.
Hawkeye58: Love you. See you in a minute.