Tony hates Clint’s job. REALLY hates it. Oh, and did he mention how much he also hates Natasha Romanoff?
Established relationship, Tony Stark/Clint Barton. First chapter in text format, second in story format. (This comes prior to ‘Redheaded Retribution‘, though it’s not VITAL to read it first.)
Hawkeye58: …so….if you had to choose your last meal, what would it be?
Stark1: …………….should I be concerned?
Hawkeye58: Um…..no. No. Just curious.
Stark1: ………..that wasn’t very reassuring. Where are you?
Hawkeye58: You know….a room. Designer sucks.
Stark1: Clint, I’m gonna fucking kill you. You know what I mean. Now, where are you?
Hawkeye58: Ha. I have no fucking clue. Seriously. It’s a mystery. It’ll be a surprise when I get out.
Stark1: Okay. Are you in trouble?
Hawkeye58: Not yet. But I’ll let you know if I am. Or you know. If I stop responding for more than an hour, that might be a clue, too.
Stark1: ……….you know, asking about your last meal really isn’t a good conversation starter, especially when you’re in a situation that might land you in trouble.
Hawkeye58: Well, they asked, and I wanted a second opinion.
Stark1: Wait what the fuck? You said you weren’t in trouble!
Hawkeye58: Yet. I did say ‘yet’. And I have it under control. I’m pestering you, aren’t I?
Stark1: Clint what the fuck you’re in trouble and THIS is how you tell me? You ask for my opinion on your last meal? WHAT THE FUCK
Hawkeye58: I WAS CURIOUS AND NEEDED TO KNOW. But seriously. Everything is under control for now. I just…..wanted to talk. So to speak.
Stark1: I can’t fucking believe this. Is that how you’d want ME to tell YOU? What the fuck
Hawkeye58: …….I’d assume so long as you were still joking, things weren’t so bad yet?
Stark1: ………..you’re shitting me. I know you. There is no WAY you’d be happy if I asked you that question.
Hawkeye58: I’d tell you to go for some burgers…..and then hunt you down and get you out. But see, it’s different, because it would be weird for you to be in a similar situation.
Stark1: Motherfucker. Yea, okay. So if I texted you from that cave in Afghanistan and asked what my last fucking meal should be, you’d tell me to get a burger?
Hawkeye58: Seems like a good choice. And then I’d hunt you down.
Stark1: Fuck. Goddammit. As soon as I know you’re safe, I’m going to kill you myself. I’d like to think you’d be a bit more worried than that. And more worried about worrying ME. Fuck. Do you know how much I worry about you?
Hawkeye58: …..see. NOW who’s doubting the other’s abilities?
I’m sorry. I was hoping keeping it light would make you less worried.
Stark1: Yea. Asking me about your last meal is going to put me at ease. Goddammit. Why are you talking to me? You should be busy getting yourself out of there.
Hawkeye58: Eh. Can’t. Gotta wait. Guy hasn’t yet given me the golden piece of info that I need. Once I have it, I’m out. Promise.
Stark1: Fuck. Fuck Goddammit fuck fuck
Hawkeye58: Tony. Seriously. It’s okay. Really. I’m trained for this stuff.
Stark1: Yea. And you freak out at me if I spill some fucking chemicals in my own damn lab so what’re you expecting me to do in this situation?
Stark1: Yea. Touche.
Hawkeye58: Yeah…..sorry. Again. Guess I didn’t really know how to approach the subject.
Stark1: How about you tell me you love me in case someone takes the phone away and I don’t hear from you again?
Hawkeye58: I love you. So much.
Stark1: I love you too. God. You better come home to me.
Hawkeye58: I will. Course I will. Home before you know it.
Stark1: You better kill whoever’s doing this to you.
Hawkeye58: That is the eventual plan.
Stark1: Better be.
……are they hurting you?
Hawkeye58: If I said no, would you believe me? 😀
Hawkeye58: Well. I mean, it’s all superficial stuff.
Check out that big word I just used there. I know you’re impressed.
Stark1: Ha. You’re such an ass.
Hawkeye58: Yeah, I am. They don’t appreciate it as much as you do. But you know, they let more and more slip before that ‘last meal’ thing, so hopefully the next round WILL be my last. You know. In my favor. Not theirs.
Stark1: Better be. You’ve got me really fucking worried you bastard.
Hawkeye58: Make it up to you. Promise. When I get back. Anything you want.
Stark1: For once, I’m not thinking anything sexual. Be proud.
Hawkeye58: Haha. Very proud.
…..so hey. Um. Should I not respond in twenty minutes……you still able to do that find-me thing?
Stark1: ………Goddammit. You’re scaring me so fucking bad. And yea, I’ve already started looking. Almost as soon as we started talking. You honestly think I wouldn’t?
Hawkeye58: Nah. Figured you would. Sorry.
You know. I AM somewhat offended they thought I couldn’t get out of a standard set of hand cuffs. I mean, come on.
Stark1: Ha. Why do you think I’ve been working on some non-standard ones?
……oh. I hadn’t mentioned that yet, huh.
Hawkeye58: ………….uh, no. You failed to mention that. Heh. What. Planning to try and hold me?
Hawkeye58: Huh. Well…..I’m intrigued, honestly. Challenge is nice once in a while.
…..okay. Now I’m just lost. All these halls look the same.
Stark1: Heh yea. You’re pretty impossible to dominate. Requires something special.
…..you’re not in-trouble-lost, right?
Hawkeye58: Nah. Out of sight for the moment. But their vents are not as nice as yours……not even as nice as the carrier……..this is just unhealthy.
Stark1: HA! You are so fucking weird.
Hawkeye58: Oh, like you’re one to talk.
Stark1: Heh shuttup and hurry up there. I wanna see you. Know you’re okay.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Just gotta find the exit. And not get surrounded. Easy out.
Stark1: You got everything you needed?
Hawkeye58: Everything I was gonna get if I still wanted out. Had to let the guy live. For now, anyway. They’ll have to send someone else in to get the rest.
Stark1: Fine. That’s fine. Get out of there and come home to me.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Home. And you…..gotta promise you won’t freak out too much when I get back.
Stark1: Why would I freak out? How badly are you hurt? Did you lie to me?
Hawkeye58: No. Don’t think so, anyway. I feel pretty good, considering. But I’ve kind of been on an adrenaline high and I haven’t looked at myself or anything so I’m not sure how bad I might LOOK. Oh, hey. Think I found the exit. Hopefully. These places need to install maps.
Stark1: Motherfucker. I’m coming out there to meet you.
Hawkeye58: Oh, awesome. Does this mean first class ride home? I’ve never been first class. How far AM I from home?
Stark1: ……….you don’t remember where you are? Seriously?
Hawkeye58: Um…..well. I remember where I WAS. But see….I wasn’t supposed to be the one going under. That part got messed up. And it wouldn’t be the first time someone’s taken me away from where I originally was after capture. NOT that I get captured often unless I mean to, mind you.
Stark1: ……..okay, who was SUPPOSED to go under?
Hawkeye58: Natasha. She’s better at the whole direct-information-gathering thing. But the damn piece-of-shit roof I was on collapsed and it kinda attracted the wrong attention, so I took over.
Stark1: ………..okay, thanks.
Hawkeye58: …….for what?
Stark1: So that I know who to kill if you don’t come home.
Hawkeye58: Heh. Well, I’m coming home. And you’ll wonder why you were so worried in the first place. You never did answer me.
Stark1: Answer what? I told you. It’s so I can kill Tasha.
Hawkeye58: No. About the last meal.
Stark1: ………..once you’re home. When I’m holding you. THEN I’ll tell you.
Hawkeye58: Yeah? Okay.
Shit ha. This place sucks. It looks all low-tech, then you need keycards. Ventilation budget must have gone into the doors.
Stark1: Please……please just hurry out of there.
Hawkeye58: Hurrying. Hey. It’s okay. I’m fine. Almost out. It’s gonna be fine.
Stark1: I know. I know. I trust you. Just…..feel better when I have you.
Hawkeye58: Yeah…..well, you will. Almost out. Just have to figure out this last part here and I’ll be out, I think.
Stark1: Good. Good.
Hawkeye58: Yup. I’m awesome. Take that, Miss Black Widow. I can TOTALLY salvage a mission.
Stark1: Haha. You’re much more badass than her. Not as curvy or hippy, but more badass.
Hawkeye58: Ha. Well, NOW nothing’s gonna stop me from getting out. Have to maintain my badassery.
Stark1: You will. Coming home. You promised.
Hawkeye58: Yup. And I damn well keep my promises.
Stark1: Yea. So get out of there. I’m here, waiting for you.
Hawkeye58: Okay. Gonna make a break for it, then.
Stark1: ……..be careful.
Hawkeye58: Me? Always.
Stark1: Ha. Yea right. But you better be this time.
Hawkeye58: I’ll try not to let the bullets hit me in the ass on my way out. 😉
Stark1: Yea, please do. Or your back, or legs, or head. I really like all of you.
Hawkeye58: Haha. Good. That’s good.
Stark1: Yea. Now stop texting and hurry back to me.
Hawkeye58: Okay, okay. Um…..do you know where I am, or want me to tell you when I figure it out?
Stark1: SHIELD’s right nearby, waiting for you. I’m with them. They won’t let me go to you, the fucking bastards.
Hawkeye58: Okay. Ha. Well, alright. Damn. That’s a lot of guys. Okay. See you in a minute then. Love you.
Stark1: Love you too.