An unexpected piece of mail creates unforeseen complications. Fortunately, problems aren’t always hard to solve.
Established relationship, Tony/Clint. First chapter in text format, second chapter in story format.
Stark1: So Pepper just brought my mail down to the lab for me?
….someone sent me a copy of Glamour.
Hawkeye58: Yeah? Why? Do people normally send you copies of Glamour?
Stark1: Um, no. This is very bizarre.
Hawkeye58: Huh……anyone you know in it? Maybe a past fling vying for your attention again?
Stark1: I don’t think so. Wait. There’s a page folded down.
Hawkeye58: Oh. Interesting. What is it?
Stark1: Perfume ad. Blonde model. Looks familiar. Phone number.
Hawkeye58: Ah? What’s ‘ah’? Who’s ‘ah’?
Stark1: No one, she’s no one. Just some model I knew.
Hawkeye58: Yeah? Well, this ‘no one’s looking you up again. What the hell.
Stark1: I don’t know! Weird.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Weird…….she better not be some kind of stalker.
Stark1: Ha I doubt it.
Hawkeye58: She’s sending you magazines with hook-up info. You never know. Don’t like it.
Stark1: Sorry. It’s not like I asked her to.
……you should check this out, though, she’s got better tits than Tasha.
Hawkeye58: What? First off, no. Stop checking out stalker-chick’s tits. Second…..what. No.
Stark1: What. What’s ‘second’? You defending Tasha’s tits?
Hawkeye58: Against stalker-chick, yes.
Stark1: Okay, defending Tasha’s tits is NEVER the way to stop me looking at other women. You should know this.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. Hindsight. Still. Don’t look at that one.
Stark1: Oh? Problem?
Hawkeye58: ……no. I just don’t like her…
Stark1: How’s that? You’ve never met her.
Hawkeye58: ….I just don’t. I can tell.
Stark1: Heh. You’re kind of adorable.
Hawkeye58: The fuck? What’s that have to do….no I’m not.
Stark1: Yea you are. You’re jealous and it’s adorable.
Hawkeye58: Wha. No I’m not! Why should I be. That’s just stupid.
Stark1: Oh? Then why don’t you want me looking?
Hawkeye58: ……….because. She’s a stalker……
Stark1: Oh. So it’s fine if I look at this gal on page…..94? She’s got a pretty nice rack on her. Sweet ass, too.
Hawkeye58: …………..probably a stalker, too…..
Stark1: Hm. No sign of that. Looks like your everyday sexpot to me.
Hawkeye58: …..definitely the ones you have to watch out for.
Stark1: Mm. You would know, wouldn’t you.
…..don’t think I have to worry about this one, though.
Hawkeye58: Don’t have to worry about ANY of them. Because none of them are getting you.
Stark1: Well, DUH.
Hawkeye58: Just making sure we’re clear on that.
Stark1: Idiot. Of COURSE we’re clear.
Hawkeye58: Okay. Good. Good.
Stark1: ……….you really are an idiot.
Hawkeye58: ……..shut up. We can’t all be super geniuses, okay.
Stark1: …..what the hell does that have to do with anything? I’m calling you an idiot for thinking for even a second that I need to be told I can’t have anyone else. I don’t WANT anyone else. Not that I don’t like hearing it……which was sort of the point…..can’t you EVER just admit that you’re jealous?
Hawkeye58: What. And spoil my ‘not a care’ image that I try so hard to maintain?
……only I really don’t. Guess maybe it’s just with you…..so……yeah. Okay. Might’ve been a little. Jealous.
But tell anyone and I deny it.
Stark1: Heh don’t need to tell anyone. Just glad to fucking hear it for once.
Hawkeye58: Yeah…..well……you knew it, anyway. Guess it was silly covering it up.
Stark1: Yea. It was.
Stark1: Will not. But I WILL stop ogling page 94’s t&a.
Hawkeye58: ……yeah. Okay. I’ll accept that instead.
Stark1: Ha. Now, page 95, on the other hand…..
Hawkeye58: Heh. You know, fine. You have your fun. After all, what’s a little look at something you’re not seeing on me? I can understand that….
……but you get any more magazines marked with lipstick and phone numbers and I may be forced to burn every magazine that makes it’s way in your mail.
Stark1: ………..I may have just lost all desire to ever look at tits again.
Hawkeye58: Hahaha. Oh really? What did it for you? The permission or the arson?
Stark1: The possessiveness behind the arson.
Hawkeye58: Ahahaha. Yeah. There’s that. What can I say. I don’t have much. But damn. What I DO have, I play to keep.
Stark1: Well, you better be planning on keeping me.
Hawkeye58: So long as you plan on keeping me back. Probably fight you if you change your mind, too.
Stark1: Heh I’m more than fine with that. But I’m not gonna.
Hawkeye58: Good. Because I really don’t know how I’d go about it and I’d rather not have to figure it out.
Stark1: Go about what?
Hawkeye58: Fighting you to make you want to keep me again. Seems like it’d be something annoying to figure out.
Stark1: Heh. Well you’re not going to have to. You’re your own damn argument. Don’t need to do anything to win.
Hawkeye58: Ha. Yeah? That’s a relief.
Stark1: Oh? You were worrying?
Hawkeye58: Eh. Used to. A bit. But you’re always pretty clear that you can put up with my shit so I stopped, mostly.
Stark1: Yea, you’re kind of a pain in the ass.
Hawkeye58: Yeah, I hear that a lot, minus the “kind of”.
Stark1: Hahaha well, I love you, so I’m being nice.
Hawkeye58: Aww. Sparing my feelings.
Stark1: Ha yea right. You already know how big a pain you are. Doesn’t matter how nice I phrase it.
Hawkeye58: Hahaha. Yeah. That’s true enough.
……so, what do you want me to do about Jenny?
Hawkeye58: Oh. So “no one” has a name you remember?
Stark1: ………..Jenny. I mean Jennifer. It’s Jennifer.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. I don’t care. Ignore her. Maybe she’ll go away.
……you obviously DO care. But okay. Not gonna push you.
Hawkeye58: Fuck yes I care! Why the hell are you even asking? What the hell do you think you can do about her. I’m sure I can get rid of her but I’m also sure I’d be frowned upon for it.
Stark1: Okay okay I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to upset you!
Hawkeye58: I’m not upset!
Yeah. Okay. I am upset. But damn. Freaking….what the hell, she contacts you NOW?
Stark1: I don’t know! I picked up my mail, the magazine was there, that’s all I know!
Hawkeye58: Well, she can go hit up someone else and leave you out of it. Stupid random stalker model.
Stark1: I’m sorry. I just wanted to ask you cuz I’ve got no idea how to get rid of people, other than annoying them until they leave. And….well…..she’s sort of your problem, too. Cuz she’s trying to infringe on your territory. So I thought you should have some say in it.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of non-lethal ways to get rid of people who bother me.
Stark1: Damn. Well then I’ve got nothing. Just ignore it, I guess.
Hawkeye58: Yeah. That doesn’t work. Well. I’ll try and think of something.
Stark1: ……..you could always threaten her. I’d actually kinda enjoy seeing that.
Hawkeye58: ……I can let her know how I feel about her come-on via my favorite non-contact messaging system.
Stark1: …….I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it SOUNDS interesting.
Hawkeye58: That’s where I take the picture. Cover it with the oh-so brilliant sentiment of “fuck off”, and deliver it at high velocity via arrow, preferably right in front of her face.
Stark1: OH MY GOD. I love you SO MUCH. Ahahahahaha
Hawkeye58: Ha. Good. Is that a good plan? Cuz I can totally do that.
Stark1: That is a GREAT plan.
Hawkeye58: Oh, good. Then that’s the plan. Perfect.
Stark1: Heh. Awesome.
Hawkeye58: Glad you think so. So yeah….keep that picture for now, then.
Stark1: Heh……where do you want me to put it? ;P
Hawkeye58: Heh. I could tell you a thousand places. But for now, just leave it. Gonna get it shortly.
Stark1: Yea? You coming over?
Hawkeye58: Course I’m coming over.
Stark1: Yea? You gonna show me who I REALLY belong to?
Hawkeye58: Yup. Then I’m gonna deliver a message.
Stark1: Heh. You know, this is becoming super sexy.
Hawkeye58: You seem to think most things are super sexy.
Stark1: When they involve YOU, yea.
Hawkeye58: Well, at least it’s when they involve me.
Stark1: Ha. Who else would they involve?
Hawkeye58: I don’t know. Don’t care to know or give you the chance to find out.
Stark1: Ha. Says the man with the wandering eyes and a fond enjoyment for bouncing breasts.
Hawkeye58: Haha. Yeah. Says that guy.
Stark1: You better appreciate how damn lucky you are to have me.
Hawkeye58: I am aware that having you is probably proof of just how damned lucky I am because I really, most likely, do not deserve someone who will put up with me.
Stark1: You deserve more than you think you do.
Hawkeye58: Heh. If you think so.
Stark1: I know so. Obviously. That’s why you have something as awesome as ME.
Hawkeye58: Ahahaha. That or fate decided to punish you with my pain in the ass self.
Stark1: Ha. If it’s punishment, I’d like more of my punishments to be equally entertaining.
Hawkeye58: Well, I’m as good as they come.
Stark1: Yea. Cept for that whole t&a obsession. THAT could use some help.
Hawkeye58: Hey. A while ago I didn’t even realize I swung so much towards the less curvy side of the street, okay. I’m still adjusting, here.
Stark1: Ha! Well, a while ago you hadn’t met me. 😄
Hawkeye58: Yeah. True.
Stark1: Heh. I’m awesome.
Hawkeye58: Yeah, okay. Enough, buddy, or neither of our egos will fit in a room together.
Stark1: Hey, as long as you’re “adjusting”, I’m gonna linger over every little bit of awesome I can get. Even moreso than usual.
Hawkeye58: Haha. Alright. Fair enough, I guess.
Stark1: Yup. Fair enough.
……so are you coming over here or what?
Hawkeye58: Told you I was. Be there in a few.
Stark1: Yea? Thought you were gonna show me how I belonged to you. I’m getting a bit impatient. Jenny’s picture is still around here somewhere…..
Hawkeye58: Tony…..don’t. I’m on my way. Be patient a little longer.
Stark1: Heh. If you honestly think I’d pull that photo out, then you’re an idiot.
Hawkeye58: Okay. We’ve established that I’m an idiot….and jealousy doesn’t let me think too clear, which I why I hate it.
Stark1: Yea? You think? Well I like seeing that I’m not the only one feeling that way, you unresponsive pain in the ass.
Hawkeye58: Oh, believe me. I’ll show you.
…..dammit, where ARE you?
Hawkeye58: Rounding the corner. You still in your lab?
Stark1: Nah. Living room.
Hawkeye58: Oh. Even better. Closer.
Stark1: Yea. AND there’s floofy couches.
Hawkeye58: There’s that, too. Good point.
Stark1: Yea? You like my floofy couches?
Hawkeye58: They’re very comfortable.
Stark1: Glad you think so. Cuz I enjoy having you on them.
Hawkeye58: Oh? That so? I guess it works for both of us. All right. I’m here. See you momentarily.