Bored at work one day, Tony Stark text messages Clint Barton, seeking company. Neither knows what events this one simple conversation will set in motion.
Tony Stark/Clint Barton, pre-relationship.
Stark1: I’m bored, Clint. Come entertain me.
Hawkeye58: What….now? Unlike some people, I don’t own rocket boots.
Stark1: Pfft, details. And they’re not BOOTS; it’s a SUIT. Get it right.
Hawkeye58: Okay, granted. But it wouldn’t surprise me if you DID have rocket boots.
Stark1: ………..point taken.
Hawkeye58: …….DO you?
Stark1: ……..my lab secrets are my lab secrets. Maybe if you CAME OVER I would share some.
Hawkeye58: Keeping secrets? I’m hurt.
Stark1: Yea, well, suck it up. And come see me.
Hawkeye58: You continue to wound me. Sides, at this hour, I’m thinking your security systems would not appreciate the visit.
Stark1: You’re fucking military and my snarky sarcasm wounds you? That’s a little sad, dude. Maybe you need more training….
Hawkeye58: Psh. I said I was wounded, not down.
Stark1: …..hmm. I’m afraid you miss my meaning. Guess I’ll have to try harder next time.
Hawkeye58: What…get more training with your snarky comments? I don’t know if you’d keep up with yourself.
Stark1: First of all, I have a never-ending supply of snarky comments. Secondly, I was referring to something else. But you’re not coming to see me, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
Hawkeye58: Well, like I said. Your security makes things complicated. As does timing.
Stark1: Mm….got a problem with timing, do you? That’s unfortunate. Y’know, I could help you with that.
Hawkeye58: That is NOT what I meant. My timing is perfectly fine.
Stark1: Oh, really? Maybe you should prove it.
Hawkeye58: Maybe I will! …..wait.
Stark1: Ha! Gotcha!
Hawkeye58: What? No! …..dammit. You’re an ass.
Stark1: Well, yea, we knew that!
Hawkeye58: Well, I’m just reiterating the point.
Stark1: Gee, cuz THAT needs to be done.
Hawkeye58: I feel sometimes it does. I think you may forget.
Stark1: ……nah, I’m pretty sure that I think about myself often enough to not forget about any facet of my personality.
Hawkeye58: This is true. I should have considered that.
Stark1: Yep. Now if you’re not here sometime before noon tomorrow, I’ll know you don’t love me even a tenth as much as I love myself.
Hawkeye58: It’s really hard for anyone to love you as much as you love yourself. I feel you’re setting a ridiculous standard.
Stark1: ……..wow. Even a tenth is too much to ask? You’re hard, man.
Hawkeye58: Like you said. Military. Plus sniper. We’re hard people. Buuuuuut seeing as I guess I’m supposed be be raising my game while hanging out with super people, I guess I might be inclined to try.
Stark1: Oh? Well, I’d enjoy that “inclination”. But don’t strain yourself. Wouldn’t want to hurt yourself, would we?
Hawkeye58: Why Stark, is that a challenge?
Stark1: You know it.
Hawkeye58: Well, you know I can’t turn down a challenge.
Stark1: Good. Then….damn. Pepper’s yelling at me to stop flirting and go to bed.
Hawkeye58: Ahaha. Well if Pepper insists. I give her credit for putting up with you.
Stark1: Yea, don’t we all. I’m holding you to this challenge you’ve accepted, though.
Hawkeye58: Indeed. Hash out the finer points tomorrow. Tasha’s probably gonna put a sleeper hold on me in a few minutes anyway if I don’t drag my ass to bed myself.
Stark1: ………Tasha? You’re sleeping with Tasha?
Hawkeye58: Why, Stark? You jealous? Didn’t think it was in your nature.
Stark1: Did I say I was jealous? I don’t think I said I was jealous.
…………..why does Tasha get a nickname and I’m still just ‘Stark’?
Hawkeye58: Goodnight, Stark.
**********the next day************
Stark1: So, why am I still ‘Stark’?
Hawkeye58: Because I haven’t thought up anything cute that still conveys ‘annoying asshat’.
Stark1: “Annoying asshat”? ………….I guess I can work with that. As long as it’s cute.
Hawkeye58: Adorable. But too damn long.
Stark1: I meant as long as you find a cute alternative, that still captures the wonderful essence of that name. You know….since you seem to like it so much.
Hawkeye58: Annoying asshat? Well, yea. It’s fun to say. Though you gotta wonder what went into coining that. What the hell is an asshat? Besides you, I mean.
Stark1: I don’t know. Haberdashery was never my area of expertise. But if you were interested, I’m sure I could figure something out. I AM a genius.
Hawkeye58: Not really. Interested, that is. Besides, if Fury found out you were using your ‘genius’ to look up the history behind strange insults….and then found out it was because of me….he’ll probably station me in Antarctica or somewhere equally unpleasant and boring.
Stark1: I’ve used my genius to look up stranger things than asshats. And thank you, but my genius comes without quotation marks. It’s a fact, not a question.
Hawkeye58: I know you have. But that was all on you. They’ll tell me you waste your time enough without me giving you ideas.
Stark1: And you assume I’d tell them? I’m wounded.
Hawkeye58: Tony. You can’t keep your mouth shut. It’s like…..not programmed into your system. Unless someone’s going to die. And I don’t think Fury would kill me. Well, I’d like to think that.
Stark1: ………..I am truly wounded.
Hawkeye58: You know it’s true. You like to share…..about everyone. Especially if you think the aftermath will be funny.
Stark1: My, for someone with an attitude problem of his own, you’re awfully judgmental.
Hawkeye58: Not judging. In fact, the reason why I WOULD get sent to Antarctica or something rather than just get the usual ass chewing would likely be because of my ‘attitude problem’. They’d just be looking for an excuse.
Stark1: ………..actually, I can’t help but notice that you’re not at my house. I’m going to assume I won our challenge and you’ve slunk back to your nest in defeat.
Hawkeye58: Hey. You said before noon. I’ve still got like….an hour and a half to make that happen….and I don’t “slink”.
Stark1: Cut me some slack, I couldn’t think of a bird metaphor for skulking in shame.
Hawkeye58: Birds can slink if they want to. I’m just saying I don’t. Because I haven’t lost.
Stark1: Hmm. I think you may have. But who knows. The stuff I’ve had in my lab for oh…ever…may be more interesting than whatever you come up with.
Hawkeye58: Come up with to what? Do? I don’t know. I had some ideas.
Stark1: Yea? Well if you DO manage to find yourself up to the challenge, we’ll see how they hold up.
Hawkeye58: I was thinking dinner and a show. And by dinner I mean takeout pizza. And by show I mean I’ll pick up a rental.
Stark1: Gee, Clint, you really know how to sweep a guy off his feet.
Hawkeye58: You’re not the only one who has charm.
Stark1: Fair enough. So, does that mean I’m going to be romanced today?
Hawkeye58: HA! We’ll see. Don’t want to lay all the cards on the table just yet.
Stark1: That’s probably a good plan…..I’m fairly awesome at cards.
Hawkeye58: Okay, Tony, I’ll see you at noon.
Stark1: Better hurry up, you’ve only got about half an hour. You live about forty five minutes away, don’t you?
Hawkeye58: I’ll be there.
Stark1: You sure?
Hawkeye58: Goodbye, Tony.
Stark1: Cuz you’re running late.
Hawkeye58: I’m ignoring you now.